Imagine for a second I'm at your work, I'm sitting next to you at your desk.
I spill a drink down your top, and as I apologies, a little bit of spickle lands on your cheek as I propel my words out, battling with the soundsystem. I stumble around the office doing a discombobulated dance looking for the toilets before forgetting what I was doing and start hitting on your female boss. And finally, I light up a fag and start exuding noxious fumes all over you, fumes so claggy, so hard-to-shift that your pens, your stapler, your hair, your shirt, your XL documents reek of smoke. And then I stub said fag out against your jumper mid dance move, burning a hole through to your scarred arm.
Well, that's a pretty ordinary day at the office for a DJ. And largely, it's fine - you head into a club to have a drink, to have a chat, to have a dance, even just to be a bit of a dick. They're all choices, and most don't have a definite or lasting impact.
But smoking does, and increasingly it is becoming a choice around the world.
The UK brought in non-smoking 5 years ago, New York and Toronto long ago opted out, and while smoking has been outlawed in various areas of Dubai (public and municipality buildings), it's still to find its way into club land.
And I for one can't wait for it to come.
Through various decisions, a lot of my life revolves around bars and clubs - from writing about them for DJ Magazine, Time Out and now Infusion, to DJing in clubs most weekends, I spend a lot of time in smoke-filled, poorly ventilated clubs. And my laptop, headphones, CDs, hair and clothes reek of smoke, which means my lungs can only be gasping for fresh air.
While the UK argument might have been paused to think about the reduction in cigarette tax revenue (perhaps offset by savings to the NHS?) and smokers' reluctance to stand in the cold getting their nicotine fix, we're faced with different pressures and problems in Dubai.
Firstly, fags cost next-to-nothing: Dhs10 at most for a pack of 20 (that's about 1 pound 60 embittered UK dwellers). So there's little tax impact, and zero health benefits as medical care is private. But the Middle East has long been a smoking haven, and it's ingrained in the UAE culture thanks to shisha - some of the best venues in town offer a shisha terrace or facilities (360, N'Dulge, Trilogy etc).
This in itself should provide a hint at a possible (and easily implemented) solution - smoking should be outlawed everywhere but on the terrace/rooftop/somewhere outside. And considering the year round sunshine (a 40 degree fag has to be better than a nicotine hit that risks frostbite) and the outdoor spaces, this has to be a strong contender.
Or, as a friend suggested, clubs could actually spend some of their hard-earned dirhams on properly ventilating their indoor rooms - it wouldn't alleviate the problem entirely, but it would go a long way to helping beat second hand smoke. But we're talking industrial sized fans, rather than a makeshift fan which has less huff than an asthmatic fish.
Clubs would then be smoke free, and thanks to the proclivity of rampant DTCM inspectors happy to enforce nonsense rules like this, they can patrol the premises and hand out fines to the venue (which could even be put towards lung cancer charities?).
Having grown up in smokey pubs and clubs (not literally - my folks aren't bad people), I can see the advantages smoking brings. It lends atmosphere, it blurs the edges and adds depth to a room which otherwise might be too clean cut or stark. The smell also covers a multitude of stinks: having been back to the UK post-ban, I can confirm that venues now reek of BO and farts, a truly devilish concoction. Some clubs have even had to pump in synthetic smells to cover up the stink. On top of that, some clubs have suffered as clubbers rush for a cigarette hit and desert the floor. And of course, smoking is cool.
But fundamentally, clubbing is about choice - the right to choose your music, what you wear, who you go with, what you drink. But you haven't chosen the right to breathe in someone else's second hand smoke, and be exposed to any number of far-reaching, life-threatening illnesses.
And that's a choice we all should be able to make ourselves.
